Applying Truth to Truth: Practical Help For Post-Traumatic Stress

(This is an article I wrote for the Biblical Counseling Coalition on March 26, 2013)

Almost everyone has had things happen in their life that they wish never did. Sometimes they are simple regrets while others are life changing situations. Some are things we actively participated in, others were caused by someone else's actions or circumstances outside of our control. Pain or even a feeling of desperation is often the result. The hurt of the situation or the sting of regret remains. Sometimes the reminders of these events can send a person into an upsetting spiral of discouragement, doubt, and fear.

What is Post-Traumatic Stress?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the name often given when a person struggles greatly after a difficult situation.

PTSD has been described as a "normal reaction to an abnormal situation." 

That is a valuable description. It helps give a better perspective to what is going on. The reaction the person is having is really more normal than they think. It is the situation that has been so abnormal. While the definition of what is going on may help the person, it doesn't remove the pain or the struggle.

The situation has changed them. It has stayed with them in a significant way. It has marked them. So now what? What can they do with the memories, regret, or the continual pain that these circumstances can bring with them? Wishing it away doesn't work. Ignoring only lasts until that unsuspecting moment happens when something triggers a memory.

Why Help Can Be So Difficult

Offering hope to a person struggling with PTSD can be like putting a Band-Aid on wet skin. It just doesn't stick. The pain is not only real it is also scary. People can wonder if they will forever feel the way they do about the situation. When talking with someone who is struggling through PTSD I often hear the question. "Will I ever be normal again?" Going back to the description of PTSD may help them see that they are normal and their reaction is actually normal as well. What they are often really saying is, "Will I ever be able to be free from the pain of the experience?"

The situation that brought the pain is now a part of their story. It cannot be expected to go away like skinned knee or an unwanted blemish. The facts remain; the truth is-- it happened.

But that is not the only truth. Stopping there would certainly be hopeless.  At times it can be difficult to know what to say to a person struggling in this way. Something I have found helpful is to begin to help them to learn to apply truth to truth.

Apply truth to truth.

Helping Sarah

Sarah (not her real name) was sexually molested by several family members, male and female, when she was between the ages of 5-13. The things done to her have stayed with her over the years, invading her mind and creating stumbling blocks in her relationships. She became a Christian in college and while that has helped her to have new hope she is still suspicious of relationships. Now in her 40's, fear keeps her a lonely introvert. She struggles with the reminders of pain. While time and counseling have helped her significantly, the memories can still bring fear in a way that paralyzes her relationships. She can begin to feel identified once again as dirty, unworthy, or guilty. In new relationships she wonders if this person in her life has intentions to hurt her. She questions people's motives for wanting to know her and can easily conclude that they are out to trap her. 

How can she apply truth to truth in a way that is helpful?

It can look something like this. Yes, people who should have loved her hurt and abused her terribly. That is true. This new person in her life, who appears to want to be her friend, is not that person. That is also true. She may need to move cautiously but she can move toward friendship because this is not the same person. Apply truth to truth.

Going Deeper: Applying Gospel Truth

A deeper way she can do this is in regards to the way she sees herself. Memories can haunt her and invade her thinking with condemning accusations. They tell her, "What happened to you was dirty and ugly." While that may be true it does not mean that she is dirty or ugly. She can apply truth to truth. Yes that was awful but she is not dirty or ugly. Because of her faith in Christ she can apply the truth that she is clothed in the righteousness of Christ and she is precious and loved. She can apply the truth of who she is in Christ to the truth of her past experiences.

People suffering from PTSD are not really that different from anyone else. We all need this kind of reminder as we face each day, do we not? Applying truth to truth is something that is needed no matter what your circumstance. We need to apply the truth over and over and over again. Often the remedy we offer to others is the very thing you and I need most.

Having a painful past that still hurts is an opportunity to build a deeper confidence in the truth of God's word and what it says about you. This is not an exercise in positive thinking it is telling the truth to yourself.

Allow scripture to move in and speak truth to the horrible realities that you have faced. As you have gone through a desperate situation allow it to make you desperate for Him and the truth that he holds out to you.

Your Kids and Porn

I am a parent and I am a counselor. Both of these roles give me significant motivation to write on this topic. It is time to get educated about kids and porn. The world our kids live in is so drastically different than the generations before. We cannot afford to believe that our children beat all the statistics.

When I was a teen the culture I lived in was not all that different from the culture my mother grew up in. While differences in music and dress were obvious the main things were very similar. My media influences were basically the same as hers; television and radio still held the corner market on entertainment. The telephone was the way friends made plans. The modes of communication also hadn't changed much. While phones had just begun to be mobile in my teen years they were antiquated, bulky, and not superior to the home phone. From my mother's youth to my own teen years, we saw updates but nothing drastically new.

Not so for my kids. In one generation entertainment and technology have changed significantly. We still have television but most of the viewing that my kids do is via the internet. In fact if we watch a TV show or movie it is only with the aid of some internet tool. Communication has changed almost entirely. When I was a teen if the phone rang people rushed to get it. Now if our home phone rings it is usually ignored and the answering machine collects the calls from unwanted solicitors or the gratuitous appointment reminders. Even cell phones are not used primarily as a "phone".  Communication is primarily through texting, email, chats, and video calls.

So what do these changes have to do with kids and porn. When I was a kid, pornography was not something kids had easy access to. Partially rapped in paper, on the rack behind store convenient store clerk, the untouchable and forbidden magazines were kept from getting into young hands. Of course there were always those kids who found hidden stashes at home or had their own secret contraband. But even in those situations, supplies were limited to the pilfered amount. Those days are completely gone.

Modern technology has eliminated the barrier that once kept porn out of reach. The changes in entertainment and communication have brought some terrifying realities, namely the rapid propulsion of the porn industry and the innovative idea of personally made pornography. Kids growing up today are living in a society saturated in porn.

So what can a parent do?

1. TALK 

The first and most important thing to do is talk. Talk to your kids. Do not let certain words be taboo in your family. I had one Christian mom tell me that her kids (middle school and high school age) didn't even know what the word "porn" was. While I think that was supposed to be a positive claim I see significant danger in this (and I have my doubts of it's actual truth). If the world is speaking so loudly why are we silent? Use judgement but talk to them early. I find that most parents wait too long and begin talking after their kids have already been exposed to more than enough information on the subject. Talk to your kids about what they will certainly encounter and how they can respond to it. They need to hear the consequences of "just looking". They need to understand the critical connection between pornography and their relationships. One survey found that of the teen boys surveyed 1 in 3 were actively "using" porn. If you are a parent of a teenage boy the next time you see him in a small group with a couple of his friends remember this statistic. Which one of the three is he? That is not to scare anyone but simply to educate you on the reality of how prevalent it is. If that is true than parents need to be talking to their kids about this. As a counselor I see so many relationships struggling because of mistrust stemming from an early exposure to porn. Porn objectifies people, eliminates the reality of responsibility, and breeds discontentment in a relationship. 

2. PROTECT 

The next thing is to protect. Get a filter. Today. When I hear another parent tell me that their child has been viewing porn I will ask the parents if there are filters on their kids computers and phones. Time and time again the answer is no. Filters are a first line of defense in protecting your kids. They are easy to install and maintain and most start around $5 a month. If you don't have one, stop reading this and go get one now. I recommend Covenant Eyes. You can download it HERE. While nothing is fool proof, if a kid wants to view something they will find a way, you can put up barriers to at least make it more difficult. Another thing you can do is set stricter sensitivity on your browser and on certain key sites. Most browsers allow you to set a sensitivity within the settings. This blocks certain things from showing up in a search. This is especially helpful with younger kids who can easily stumble on to things while doing random searches. YouTube also has a setting for safe searching. Most of these settings will be found at the very bottom of the main page or in the settings. They are easy to turn on and off so they should never be the only means of keeping your kids safe from unwanted pornographic images.

3. CHECK  

Finally check in. Parents should have access to their children's accounts. Your child cannot open a bank account, go to the doctor, or drive a car without parental permission and engagement so why do parents think that having access to their children's phone, computer, email, or social media is out of bounds? Parents should have the passwords to their children's devices and accounts and they should check in at times. This is normal parenting. When I was a child my mom always knew where I was, what I was doing, and who I was doing it with. Parents, your child's online location, activity, and relationships are your business. In our home it is our practice to let our kids know that we will be checking in on them. This helps us to know how their time is being spent as well as any concerning activity. It has been a means of continued education for our children and growing awareness for us. Parents, just because your kids may be more technologically savvy than you does not mean they have the wisdom to go along with it. Check in on your kids internet use and talk to them about what they are doing and what ramifications that may have in their future. Teach your children they are leaving a digital fingerprint and it may not be mom or dad who will be checking on it in the future. Begin teaching them to live as if their online activity is being recorded and can be retraced at any time...because it is and it can be.

There is so much to say on this subject and it is difficult to cover in just one post but I do want to say this as an encouragement to parents: Don't freak out. As you begin to talk with your kids or investigate into their digital world the best thing you can do is to calmly engage them even when disappointments happen. While porn has reached an epidemic state you do not have to be fearful. You are a significant voice of direction in your child's life. And while there may be some discouraging set backs they are being shaped by you as you walk with them and help them navigate better through life. Trust God to work in your child as you show them the way. Pray for them to have a biblical perspective on sex. Teach them what it means to love and honor people. And above all, lead by example. This is more powerful than any website, search engine, or video clip. Be in their life right now when they need you most. How are you engaging your kids on this crucial subject? If you are not talking to them about it then who is?

Statistics About Teens And Porn
This chart is 5 years old. I have yet to find a more comprehensive one that is more up to date. I am not sure how much the stats would have changed in 5 years. I do believe that an updated list would include stats about teens engaging in sexting, Skype sex, and private production of pornographic materials by teens.




If you want to read more on the subject check out this article published in the Telegraph earlier this year exposing more closely the reality of children and porn (warning- some graphic language).
Children and the Culture of Pornography

Only 10: Self-absorption

"We are always, always the last to see our self-absorption."

(Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller page 61)

A Marital Translation of the Love Chapter

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

1 Corinthians 13 is a famous passage. Sometimes this passage can be seen on plaques or Valentine's Day cards. It is very common to go to a wedding and hear this section of scripture read. As young love stares each other in the eyes the words sound like lyrics from a love song or perhaps lines from a romantic poem. Many young couples hearing this passage already feel like they are marrying the personification of the words. But is this passage really meant for mushy romantic moments or clueless bliss? I am not knocking using this passage in wedding ceremonies or on your love notes. I am wondering if the practicality of this verse is something that is missed when the feelings are not so..."loving".

What does this passage look like in the trenches of a relationship? Here is my practical translation of it can look like in marraige.

Love is patient
Love patiently waits for your spouse to come to the table or to the car or to come out of the bathroom. Love kindly listens to the story on the subject that doesn't personally interests you because you care about the person not the subject being explained.

Love is kind
Love lets your spouse finish their thoughts. Love doesn't make comments regarding your spouses choices indicating disapproval over things that just don't matter.

It does not envy
Love is content with shared responsibilities. It doesn't have a resenting attitude when your spouse has some time alone or out with friends.

It does not boast
Love doesn't point out all that you have done all day. Love avoids the phrases "I could have told you that." or "I knew that was going to happen."

It is not proud 
Love considers that the reason there is conflict in the relationship has more to do with you than your spouse.

It is not rude
Love doesn't use short and cutting remarks or uses hurtful names.

It is not self-seeking
Love doesn't manipulate using kindness or intimacy as a way to get things.

It is not easily angered 
Love sees that mistakes happen and knows most things are not worth getting upset about. Love in marriage never has the "time bomb" feeling, leaving the other to feel like even simple mistakes could set things off.

It keeps no record of wrongs
Love says, I forgive you. And does.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
Love doesn't keep things from one another. It is transparent and open with sin and struggle. Love is generous with expressions of gratitude and grace when truth is shared, knowing that even hard-to-hear truth is better than deceit.

It always protects
Love doesn't join the conversation to complain about your spouse but instead speaks in a way as if the other were present. Love takes the effort to guard the relationship by not allowing any other person to come between them.

Always trusts
Love trusts in the power of God to work in your spouse even when personal trust is difficult.

Always hopes
Love doesn't assume to know motives or intentions.

Always perseveres. Love never fails.
Has the long view in relationship and conflict. In marriage it means the word divorce is never used as a threat. And even in the darkest days of your relationship, when love may need to be tough and consequences are difficult--hating the other is never an option.

Too Good Not To Share

There are so many great resources at our fingertips today that I sometimes wonder why I even have a blog. Certainly nothing I say is really that new or profound and I can usually find someone I feel can say it a bit better. But that is exactly the meaning behind the title of this blog. I am simply sharing what I have found with others. "One beggar showing another beggar where to find bread," so in the nature of that sentiment here are a few things to share with you:

The Gospel at Work was a conference put on last month. All of the keynotes and breakouts are available to you at your fingertips. I may be a bit partial, but if you only listen to one speaker here make it Os Guinness. 

• Os Guinness- Work as Calling

For the entire conference go here:

• The Gospel at Work

(Breakfast with Os was also excellent!)

These next two came through my reader just this morning. 

Who hasn't said the phrase, "I just don't want to be a burden." Ed Welch gives a clear assessment of what you are really saying. Kinda makes you think...

• Being a Burden

And finally. Parents are always looking for some nuggets of advice and help. "How to's of Parenting" is never an ignored topic. Here is an excellent list of what NOT to do as parents.

• 9 Parenting Tips to Avoid

So there is a little bit of second hand bread :) Make a meal of it!

Only 10: The Most Important Words

"I'm sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me."

Some Stuff Our Kids Do

Congratulations to my son who won the Maryland Bible Society Scholarship to attend the Institute for Cultural Communicators "Ignite" Conference. Some friends and family have asked to see the video entry so here it is.

A Day Without Devices

We actully took our board games
to a coffee shop to play. 

Digitally Distracted
Having 3 teens in the house there is often someone (or several someones) in front of a screen. Our kids are growing up in a very different world than I did. When I was a kid the only screen in the house was a television. While the TV provided distraction and entertainment it was not private. The TV itself was located in the most common room in the house and when it was on there was usually more than one person watching. We didn't have personal televisions so we watched whatever show was on together. Now viewing is done on a more individual basis. Everyone has their own personal screen to play, watch, chat, or read on. My husband and I are really feeling the change that the digital world has had on our family. We used to have game nights, movie nights, weekend hikes, and even family talent nights. We also used to spend more significant time with friends. Don't get me wrong, we really enjoy what the digital explosion has afforded, there are numerous improvements and advantages. We stay in touch with friends and relatives that distance would have made nearly impossible in the past. But sometimes I miss where we have come from and wonder what the future will look like as when I look around at everyone with their head down and eyes locked on a screen.

Going Screen-free
It is not just the teens that are distracted by devices. Mom and Dad have their own share of screens that occupy their attention just as much as the children (and sometimes more). Lamenting the loss of some of the times our family used to connect, my husband and I decided to avoid devices for one day each week last month. That may not sound like much but trust me one day is a noticeable amount of time. For one day each week we--Mom and Dad that is--would not use any device unless it benefited the whole. So unless it helped everyone in the group and we all benefited from it we avoided it completely. Laptops stayed off, phones stayed out of sight, Kindles were shelved (that hurt) and so on. Going deviceless was something we decided for ourselves only. We didn't include the children. We wanted to see if it would make a difference if just Mom and Dad went screen-free. The results were truly encouraging. We played games (regular games--the ones that come in a cardboard box and have cards and boards). We completed 2 big puzzles, interlocking nearly 2000 pieces. We had more friends over to join us for meals and games. Even family talent emerged again when our kids put together a random impromptu skit game for our entertainment one night with friends. There was some use of electronics but it was within our set boundaries; it had to benefit the whole. We took a few pictures. We used the smart phone to find out a few answers to some questions that came up in a conversation or two. We even played video games- but together not individually. It helped us to see how much the daily, regular use of our devices takes us away from opportunities to connect.

One of the two puzzles we put together.

Were to go from here? 

What did the month teach me? It is obvious that the digital world is here to stay. I imagine the use of electronic devices will only continue to increase and the age of users will only get younger. As much as I like being up to date on the latest technology it is not without cost. I want to do what I can to savor the benefit that comes from personal connection. Taking a break reminded me of that. I hope to continue to create digital-free space in our lives in the short years we have left with all three kids at home. I hope to help lead by example, that sometimes unplugging is the best way to connect.

What the New Year Should Do

Why do people get excited about the new year? Why do they get so encouraged to see the closing of one year and the opening of a new one? In some respect the new year is a bigger picture of what we experience everyday. With the opening of each new day we have a fresh start. A chance to leave behind the failings, mistakes, disappointments,  mess ups, or whatever the day held. We can- in a new day- find hope for a fresh start. It's just a little fraction of what we experience in the new year. A day is just a small sliver of our lives but a year represents a more significant epoch. When we turn a new year we see we have that same hope and encouragement of starting fresh and having things in the past behind us. We look forward to the future. As one year outstrips the other we have hope. No matter how difficult things are we look forward to the new start.

This should make us wonder. Why is it that we look forward with such anticipation to the new start of a year. It is because it is just a little glimpse of what we are made for. It show us in a small way that we were made for something else, something bigger. It point us to a time of ultimate new beginnings. There is a time when all things will be made new, and not only made new but made right. So as you look at the new year let it point you to hope. Not just hope for this year but for the time when all things will be made new. Remember this new year is just the shadow of something. It is not the substance. Look to the substance.

We have reason to hope because with each passing of the new year, as one year outstrips the next we have hope for something better. It is meant to point us to something- a greater new beginning. There will come a time when we will see the substance and we will enter the greatest celebration of new beginnings when all things are made new and right.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21

Parental Resolutions: For Teens

I saw an old blog post today by John Piper called Teenage Resolutions: For Parents. The post got me thinking about what I have learned being a parent of teens. I used Piper's post as a launching post for some counter thought. As a parent of three teens I thoughtfully reflected on what my husband and I have resolved to our teens. These are things we have either said to them directly or have try to model (though not at all perfectly-- in fact quite the opposite at times. Thank God for grace upon grace.). 

Resolved: We will be clear in our instructions and follow through with you, giving you an example you can count on and follow.

Resolved: We will create reasonable chores for you that will help you see how everyone in the family needs one another and that responsibility comes with blessings. We will teach you to be a productive and useful part of the family by holding you accountable to do your work without complaining but also with joy.

Resolved: We will seek to be fair in our expectations of you and will listen carefully and openly whenever you ask to talk about struggles you may be having with our requests.

Resolved:  We will remember that we were teens once and will give you the needed space when you respectfully request it from us. We will treat you with respect and dignity and honor your need for space to think and process.

Resolved: When we do something wrong we will apologize sincerely and reaffirm how much we love you. We will also forgive you when you need to do the same for us.

Resolved: We will try not to embarrass you too much with our gestures of affection and special family names while your friends are around. However, Daddy is exempt and will probably continue to call his daughter "Sweetie", "Sweets", "Sissy", "Baby Girl", etc. at any time for the rest of her life.

Resolved: We will be diligent to be on the lookout for ways to show our appreciation for what you bring to our family. We will take the time to tell you how grateful we are that you are in our life.

Resolved: We will be patient and listen attentively (closing our laptops, putting away our phones, or turning off the TV) when you talk about your feelings, avoiding the lecture impulse when you say something immature. Our willingness to listen is not limited to when it is convenient for us and we will do our best stay up late in to those wee-hours of the night when teens become most open to talking. You are never alone and we want you to feel like you can talk to us about anything.

Resolved: We will do all we can to make the family a place where laughter is shared. While we will not laugh at those things that are crude or foolish we will seek to provide a fun and enjoyable environment that all ages can enjoy. We want you to share with us the video clips, sound bites, or comics that you think are appropriate and funny.

Resolved: We will seek to encourage you more than we correct you. When we need to bring criticism, we will do so with humility. We hope that our approach will allow criticism to be a positive thing in our family and not a time of negative cut down.

Resolved: We will faithfully teach you what the Lord requires of you through regular family devotions, seeking to apply the truth of scripture in ways that relate to you. We will pray for you and with you and hope you will do the same for us.

Resolved: We will not return evil for evil and try not to justify our meanness as God-given parental authority but we'll seek to be loving toward you even in our discipline. We will avoid the temptation to take things too personal, knowing you are still growing up. 

Resolved: We will seek the Lord daily for grace and wisdom to parent you in these last years of your childhood by consistently reading the scripture and praying privately. In doing this we deeply hope that you will see two parents in whose dependence and trust in Christ bonds our family together. We want our own walk with God to lead you into jealous pursuit of this same relationship.

Resolved: We will set clear boundaries with you regarding your times away from the house so as not to leave room for confusion or frustration. While we will be firm in these boundaries we will try to respond graciously and reasonably when something unexpected happens even if correction is needed.

Resolved: We will include you in adult conversation and interaction whenever appropriate, introducing you to our friends so you don't feel insignificant, because we are proud to have you as part of our family.

Resolved: We will be truthful with you and speak openly about difficult things that concern you. We will create an environment where you don't have to be embarrassed or afraid to ask hard questions. We want you to know that you can come to us to sort out questions that you may have or to get trustworthy information you may need.

Only 10: Conscience

"Conscience is either the greatest friend or the greatest enemy."

Richard Sibbes

40 Gifts On My 40th Birthday!

Written in no particular order on my 40th birthday.

1. Quiet mornings where thoughts unravel.
2. A warm robe, fresh out of the dryer. (Now you know my blogging attire.)
3. Health
4. New windows- just installed two days ago!
5. Family-I am so blessed.
6. Forgiveness- given and received.
7. Children with a effervescent sense of humor. Are all kids like this? If so we should've had more.
8. Lake Huron and all the people connected with it!
9. A silky grey kitty with golden eyes.
10. Sunrise- my favorite time of day
11. Sunset- my favorite time of day
12. A husband who serves me warm toasted poptarts in bed at night.
13. The written word of God.
14. My kitchen- best investment ever! 
15. My reader. I never fail to find something appropriate to read there. Keep it up bloggers!
16. My sister and her faithful friendship. I only wish we lived closer. 
17. Smart phones and computers- though they have their flaws they do make my life so much easier.
18. Ibuprofen and Tylenol- Yup, I'm 40!
19. Charles Spurgeon- Can't wait to meet you one day.
20. Mom. What can I say- she really is the best! Really.
21. Prayer- how else can a mother of teens make it though the day. But seriously, we can actually talk to God. And he listens.
22. Marriage. Nothing else could have taught me what love is than to live side by side my husband for the past 21 years. Thank you honey. Thank you God.
23. Forgiveness. See #22 and #6.
24. A man who faithfully provides for his family and cares about the hearts of his children.
25. Birthday presents and dinners out.
26. Calendar dates with nothing written on them! Rare as that is.
27. The ministry I am so blessed to be a part of.
28. Talking about the gospel. A gift I don't deserve. 
29. My oldest son with his passion and drive mixed perfectly with faithfulness and integrity. 
30. My artistic and beautiful daughter. I only wish I could do what she can do with a pencil. 
31. My youngest son. What gentle and compassionate spirit. Thanks for all your snuggles.
32. Psalm 27
33. Friends and Family on the West Coast. I miss them. 
34. My brothers- even though they are typical boys and never write or call. I still love you like crazy. 
35. Books and people who write them. You have blessed my life!
36. Mexican food. Real Mexican food.
37. America! What a gift to live here and have the freedoms that it brings.
38. Times alone. It recharges my soul.
39. Times with people. You bless my soul.
40. Jesus Christ.

(After writing this post I was keenly aware 40 was not enough! I am richly blessed)

Advice for Pastors

So simple...


"Preach the Bible."

A Severe Mercy - What God Has Taught Me Through Depression

A Severe Mercy - What God Has Taught Me Through Depression

(The following post is from a dear friend of mine. It was put on her heart to share her story in the hope that her honesty will encourage and help others. ~Thank you my friend for letting us all enter into your story.)

It was an argument not worthy to be had; to this day my husband and I still don't even know what it was about. But what it did achieve was a way in for the enemy - in a desperate attempt to destroy a life. My life to be exact. After this argument I experienced an incredible hopelessness. To the point of leaving the house and driving aimlessly through the night.

I had been experiencing these moments more frequently; utter desperation. It wasn't that I didn't love God, or didn't trust Him in the big things in life. It was the little things that would make it so hard to get up in the morning, or to stop crying over spilt cheerios, or to stop being angry at the world.

That night, however, after weeks of not guarding my heart through prayer and not asking my husband and friends to pray for me, I was driving. To end my life. I never understood how someone could do this to their families. I condemned them in my self-righteousness and pride.

Yet here I was, running scenario after scenario, rejecting one after the other for its lack of efficiency. I silently raged against God and at the same time was asking Him for a sign that maybe, just maybe, it mattered that I was here.

Finally, I heard the quiet voice: "Do you believe my promises?"-- Of course I did! But it was there again, "Do you believe my promises?" - It was followed by scriptures, various ones, but the ones that kept coming back were Psalm 126:5-6, my life verse, and Jeremiah 29:11-15. It was the point of decision. Not for God, but for me; my surrender of one of my last big strongholds over my own life. Was this MY life to destroy, or was I bought with a price, and therefore, no longer my own?

I finally got the help that God had waiting for me, and we discovered that I had been struggling with depression for years and that there were things in my past that needed addressing. And that we did. So here are 10 things I learned through this struggle, and why my family and I can now rejoice in that night of sin and forgiveness.

1) God loves me too much to require anything short of everything. I found areas in my life (and still do) that I have fenced off as MINE. He claimed them as His, His to forgive, and His to use for glory.

2) Genesis 50:20: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." - I don't know what God will do with this, but I have promised to go where He leads, which included sharing this struggle with others. I am not one to do this easily, but obedience is a requirement, not an option

3) Memorize scripture. The hard times WILL come: infertility, depression, financial woes, death of a loved one, joblessness… you name it. The time of trial is not the time to start, it’s the time to know.

4) God’s blessing and mercy are not ours. His way are not our ways. His goals not ours. But if you align yourself with His will, more prayers will be answered, more rejoicing will be done and contentment with your lot in life will overflow.

5) My final diagnosis was Bipolar II, and I have yet to ask God to remove it. This is not because I don’t believe He can deliver me from it, but because I want to glorify Him through it. Paul prayed for the thorn to be removed three times, God said No. I am learning and growing and waiting for Him to do His work through this, so He might get all the glory.

6) Seek help. He ordained people to work in various professions: counselors, psychiatrists, doctors, firemen, project managers. Use them! They are here to serve, through their calling, a mighty God. There aren't coincidences on why you are where you are. Church, city, dark country roads, seek help where you are.

7) Holiness is more important to God than happiness. And I have found by pursuing holiness I found so much more happiness. I can honestly praise God for this trial, and praise Him for the ones before (and there were plenty), because I have come to love Him more.

8) Don't judge others for their sufferings and the way they deal with them. Their yoke is not yours, but outside of Christ, theirs is just as heavy. Or, with Christ, just as light.

9) If God calls you to do something, do it. It won't be the neon cherub floating down from the sky, it will be the quiet voice that brings someone to your mind unexpectedly. I put off writing my story for some time. But it wouldn't let me go. Until finally, at another heavenly 4am wake up call, I decided I might as well follow the lead of love.

10) We need each other. Many are alone and have nothing but the voices in their heads accusing them. In an attempt to change that, I send cards to people, sharing specific ways they are a blessing to me and others. I include a copy of my story along with the cards in order to share what God has done and to encourage others to share their stories to bless others. My hope is that when the evil one accuses, the cards will to speak truth into their life. Your words and story can do the same for others. Consider sharing it as the Lord leads.

“This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long.”

A little bit about the author:
I am a child of God, wife to a great husband (don't we all say that, but mine really is), mother of five (so far), foreign born, former career girl, constantly challenged to be outgoing, introvert. Now a fulfilled stay at home wife and mother, homeschooling my kids. I love to laugh with old and new friends and, more often then not, with my family.

100 days 100 fears

The Chinese call it the 100 day cough. Today is day 100. The Chinese are right.

UPDATE
In late May our oldest son developed a cough. It was nothing significant. Seemed like allergies or mild chest cold setting in. While he may have run a fever we never noticed it. At 17 you feel they are old enough to report those things. They don't. Two weeks later we took him to the doctor, mainly because we were leaving for vacation in a week and the cough still remained. I didn't want to deal with it possibly needing some medication while away so I had him checked out in case we needed to call the doc while away so as to avoid seeing out of state doctors. After examining him she confirmed what I believed--common chest cold perhaps still aggravated by allergies. Recommending over-the-counter meds we left knowing we could call her if needed. Mission accomplished.

QUESTIONS
Things were not that simple though. A week or so into vacation the cough continued to get worse. Calls to the doc back home suggested stronger prescription cough meds. But the episodes of coughing only got more intense. What was wrong with him? He began to experience significant difficulty breathing. Things were getting really bad for him. He was not getting better. The night time became the dread of us all. We were on vacation with my family, including my sister who is a nurse. After yet another intense night she suggested taking him to the ER and talk to them about a few different things. One of which was getting a pertussis test. At the ER he went through exams, tests, and x-rays. Nothing significant showed up. Knowing my nurse/sister was waiting back home I asked them to do the pertussis test even though they felt sure that was not it. He was current on his vaccines and we had no knowledge of cases in our local area. But they administered the invasive swab per my request, sent us home with antibiotics and a diagnosis of "bronchitis".

ANSWERS
The nights continued to be difficult after that and it seemed like he was now developing apnea like symptoms connect with the coughing episodes. After only a few more days we decided we needed to head home and get him to some specialists. It had almost been 5 weeks and he was no better. We came home and set up appointments with his primary care, and ENT, and a sleep specialist. It was on the way to one of these appointments that I got the call from the ER we had taken him to on vacation. Test positive--Pertussis a.k.a. Whooping Cough.

MORE ANSWERS
We finally had some clarity. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple. The violent cough had triggered something else for him. His vocal chords began to spasm making breathing even harder. The ENT revealed that he was also suffering from Paradoxal Vocal Chord dysfunction. At this point it was hard to tell which was more of a problem for him. The cough or the spasms that made his throat feel as if it was totally closed. Then if that wasn't enough, a sleep study reveal that he was also dealing with mild apnea (likely only temporary due to the pertussis).

The nights continued to be long. It had been 6 weeks since neither him, my husband, nor myself had been able to sleep through the night. There was constant checking on him when he woke up and constant checking on him when he didn't. We slept within earshot. Sometime the best place was right on the floor beside his bed just listening to him breath, hoping it would remain uninterrupted.  I thought I left this stage of parenting in the toddler years.

MORE QUESTIONS
The fears that come when your child is sick are haunting, no matter what their age. Everyone was concerned for him and asked so many questions. Have you tried this? Have you done that? Did you ask the doctor this? Did they check for that? All of which I was very thankful for. It made it feel like a group effort to get him well. But it also fed my fears. At night they would revisit. It felt like hundreds of them. While I lay listening for him to stir I would think of all the unanswered questions. They seemed to scream at me in the night. How could I possibly have so many fears?

FEAR
My husband would pray with me but they still screamed. What was I so afraid of? The Lord knows. He will take care of this. Why was that not enough?

Because it wasn't about the Lord not being enough it was about me not being enough.

I could watch, I could listen, I could take him here and there and administer all the needed medication but I still couldn't make him well. I was not enough. But I wanted to be. I wanted to be able to fix it, to get the results. But I couldn't. I was not enough. It was not God's plan for me to be. That is scary.

Well, we made it to day 100! I feel like I can now say the cough is gone, although it has really taken the most of the past 100 days for it to fully disappear. His nights are peaceful again. My fears seem to be fading, yet I know they are not completely gone. So what have I learned? I wish I could say I have learned whatever I needed in order to not be afraid ever again but that would be a lie. Instead here is where I find peace; that God understands my fears. He knows me. He knows I will get afraid again. But he doesn't shake his finger at me and say, "What are you doing?" Instead he understands. He says comfortingly--not condemningly; "Don't be afraid." It is an empathetic consolation not an impatient imperative.

A DIFFERENT FEAR WITH A DIFFERENT RESULT

"Just as a father has compassion on his children so the Lord has compassion on those who fear  him. For he knows are frame, he remembers we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14

God is a loving father to me and my "fear" of him brings me comfort. This isn't the afraid or scared type of fear but it is the deep respect and reverence kind of fear. The good fear. God sees that and he has compassion me.

So although my fears may not be gone my comfort is surer.

Works-Based Women

I originally wrote this post for the Women Series on the Biblical Counseling Coalition Blog. 

Works-Based Acceptance

There is something imbedded deep in all of us that draws us to a works-based acceptance. It’s just easier to get along with others when they are doing things we like. This seems to be especially true for women. While men can and do struggle with these same tendencies, we’re going to look specifically at how women can be works-based in their relationships.

With Your Friends

Women are often more focused on building and growing friendships than men. We take time to really get to know and connect with friends. Women often do both recreational and non-recreational things with friends. I have cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, and exercised with my friends as a way to connect.

Appreciating friendship is easy when it’s supportive, cooperative, and convenient. However, if friendship is always easy, you may be simply basking in a shallow pool of met expectations. Do you maintain the same level of connectedness when your friend becomes difficult? What about when her children become difficult? Scripture speaks of friendship as being willing to lay down your life for another (John 15:13). If you find that your friends become an intrusion when things get difficult you may have a works-based friendship.

With Your Children

Moms are in constant demand. There is so much to be done in a day; laundry, cleaning, shopping, caring for the kids, meals, and on goes the perpetual list. So, when a child makes life easier, it is natural to express love and appreciation for them. Unfortunately, our kids will not always naturally oblige themselves to helping. Instead we end up dictating what needs to be done. This can become so common that our kids see us more as task manager than mother.

When they step up to help it is easy to give them praise and smiles. But when they go about their day walking around piles of laundry, adding yet another dish to the sink or counter, or bickering about meaningless issues, our interaction with them begins to change. Is the response they get one of displeasure unless they are “doing the right thing”? If so it would be very logical for a young child to translate this as, “Mommy loves me most when I’m good.”

Older children are no exception. My teens can quickly see the displeasure on my face as I walk into the still messy room. They also keenly observe the smile and relief when they do what they are told without pushback. This habitual interaction can lead them to view their acceptance as based on their good behavior, helpfulness, and compliance. Even into their adult years they will hold to the conclusion that they are most loved by their performance. They may even translate this to how God operates. Are you a expressing your love and acceptance to your children in who they are and not just what they do? When correction is needed do you make it a point to affirm your love to them regardless of their behavior?

With Your Husband

Next to being works-based with the children, women may find that their spouse can be the easiest person to relate to in a compensating way. Familiarization and the busyness of life can lead us to put little emphasis on affirming and encouraging your husbands unless they are doing something for you.

Do you find yourself nicest to him when he is agreeing with you? Are your words, your facial expressions, your tones and inflections most amiable when the honey-do list is getting checked off? If this relational legalism characterizes your marriage, chances are your husband will see you more as a boss than a friend and partner.

This can work in reverse as well. Women can become works-based in their marriages when your focus to serve and care trumps loving and enjoying. (Guilty!) I cannot tell you how many times I have found myself busily cooking dinner when my husband comes home. It’s common for me to have my hands literally full of ingredients or my fingers gooed up with whatever it is I’m preparing for dinner when he walks in the door. All he wants is a tender gesture of affection, but instead he is greeted with a quick peck as I swoop by him. My justification; he knows I love him. I am, after all, busy serving him. I have work to do and it is my “God-given” work (Justification!) Unfortunately I see that at times this can simply be the spirit of Martha that misses the better part. Your husband doesn’t want a servant he wants a lover and a companion.

Indispensable Grace

Grace is unnatural. While it is given to us freely, we actually have to work to give it to others. To break out of the mold of works-based relationships, we must be intentional in our actions. We need to give grace. One simple way to do this is to be more encouraging in your relationships. Look for things you can affirm. Let forgiveness be the anthem in your interaction with others. Your friends, your kids, and your husband are all going to make mistakes. One way you can avoid becoming a relational legalist is by allowing and covering mistakes.

Finally, focus on the grace given to you. We have been given what we don’t deserve and what we have deserved and earned has been forgiven in Christ. Jerry Bridges rightly describes grace as “God’s blessing through Christ to people who deserve a curse.” Let that gospel truth shape how you interact in your relationships.

Join the Conversation

If our God is not works-based in His relationship with us, neither should we be with others. Women, do you see a propensity for this in areas of your life? What do you do to create an environment of grace and not works in your relationships?

Refresh

Every year I take a month away from blogging. It has proven to be a good thing to just simply take some time to refresh. June is the month for this year! 

See you in July!

Only 10: Hope Waits

"Hope waits. Hope is the refusal to demand heaven now."
Bob Kelleman

"Forces Us To Remember"

CS Lewis Learning in Wartime-

What does war do to death? It certainly does not make it more frequent; 100 percent of us die, and the percentage cannot be increased. It puts several deaths earlier; but I hardly suppose that that is what we fear. Certainly when the moment comes, it will make little difference how many years we have behind us. Does it increase our chance of a painful death? I doubt it. As far as I can find out, what we call natural death is usually preceded by suffering; and a battlefield is one of the very few places where one has a reasonable prospect of dying with no pain at all. Does it decrease our chances of dying at peace with God? I cannot believe it. If active service does not persuade a man to prepare for death, what conceivable concatenation of circumstance would? Yet war does do something to death. It forces us to remember it.



Photo by Miss Presley Photography
This is a picture taken just two weeks ago at the homecoming of my nephew Jeremiah. He serves in the United States Army. Here he is embraced by his wife Chloe as he returns after serving a year in Afghanistan. Thank you both for your sacrifice.

(Here are a couple pictures taken this weekend of our sons Adam and Aaron. They are member's of the Civil Air Patrol, an Air Force auxiliary program. To show respect and honor to veterans their squadron places flags on grave sites for Memorial Day. )



The irony of the word freedom is that it is not at all free. There was a cost but it was paid by someone else. The freedoms we have have been purchased at great cost and continue to be preserved by the continual sacrifice of others. Others died on our behalf. Others serve on our behalf. It is a great exchange. As a Christian the parallel is significant. My freedom here in America is a shadow of the eternal freedom that has been purchased for me. Just as men and women died fighting for my freedom so Christ died for my eternal freedom. We should remember this.

For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. 1 Peter 3:18

Take A Look

I really enjoy the blogs on The Gospel Coalition. There are few contributors that I read almost daily. Today there were a couple posts that seemed so very practical and honest that I had to share them. Take a look.

Today Was Supposed To Be My Wedding Day: An honest look at an unexpected journey of faith. Probably one of the hardest choices she had to make.


Parental Discipline Without Provocation: Kevin DeYoung gives seven very practical principles to help avoid provoking our children with our discipline.

Only 10: An Eloquent Answer

"Silence is often the most eloquent answer to our critics."
A.W. Tozer

The Making of a Sacred Book

God's way of doing things often doesn't line up with the way I would have done them. You would think this realization would keep me from "planning for God". But no,  I often will think up ways in which I think would be the best approach for God to accomplish his plans for my life. Time and time again I am surprised, not at the profound ways he accomplishes his plans but at the simple and even subtle ways. Often he brings about the most amazing things in the simplest of ways. But hasn't he often worked like this? Think of the some of the most significant things God has done in biblical history. How many times are his plans accomplished through the simplest or most unsuspecting means? I was reminded of this as I was reading this week. Take a look:

"The New Testament as a collection has a curiously informal

and almost casual sort of history. The book that was destined

to remain the sacred book for millions of Christians for century

upon century came into the church without fanfare, in a quiet,

shuffling sort of way. Its history is not at all what we should

expect the history of a sacred book to be. The story of the Book

of Mormon is a good example of how man thinks a sacred

book should come to man—miraculously, guaranteed by its

miraculousness. The Canon is a miracle indeed, but a miracle

of another sort, a miracle like the incarnation of our Lord, a

miracle in servant’s form. Only a God who is really Lord of all

history could risk bringing His written word into history in the

way the New Testament was actually brought in."

Martin Franzmann, The Word of the Lord Grows (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing
House, 1961), 294.

If God would purpose to bring about his Sacred Word in the most incomplex way what else might he be doing right before our eyes that are the beginnings of great things for our good?